This saturday night, as in case of most idle saturday nights, I found myself in the middle of loud music, glittering dresses, eye-piercing lights and excessive amount of booze (some beautifully colored, others with a happy piece of lemon on side and all in all sorts of glasses). Everyone seemed delighted that the music could so easily drown their thoughts as well as their voices. I really welcome weekends with open arms and don't mind blowing off some steam after a week at Tuzla, yet something was off that night. And I seriously blame Benjamin for that. The Graduate-induced ennui is what I call my situation. I felt like the air in the room was being sucked up by those neon gods and left the place immediately saying no goodbyes what-so-ever. As I felt the fresh air outside, I thought about my future and it suddenly downed on me: whether its 1960s and USA or 2010 and Turkey, the youth is eternally doomed to be confused and trapped in social expectations. Even for the ones who have the freedom to act according to their fanciful impulses -those who have their family's support or enough money- most young people cannot break free and just be different. Well, in my case, I want to become a well-known writer, travel around the world and be educated by the gurus of literature. I couldn't care less about maths or chemistry. Yet, here I am stuck in a university, postponing my dreams. Maybe I'll never have the chance to do my soul-searching journey around the world because there is always the problem of graduate school, internships, earning money, starting a conventional life etc. Its so much easier when you lead the "socially acceptable" road. There is a novel that I've read years ago, called The Awakening by Kate Chopin. After I watched the Graduate, the ending becomes not so pointless now. The protagonist of the book, Edna Pontellier is a wealthy woman who is raised according to her social environment. She is married, has children as required in her social circumstance, often acts in a prudish manner and represses her emotions or desires because this is unacceptable in her society. Throughout the novel, she meets people from different backgrounds and realizes her own repressed wish of becoming an artist and leading a different life from others. At the end of the novel, we see Edna swimming far away in the sea and after a while exhaustion overtakes her. Maybe her suicide is not a suicide, and on some metaphorical level, it is a beginning of a new life and finally breaking free from the society.
As for me, from Sunday morning on, the quest for finding a way to be different began. Fingers crossed!
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If this post is anything to go by, I'd say you've already struck out far on your path towards becoming a writer. God, this voice reminds me of my own voice, as I have always nurtured the same dream. But guess what? To a large extent I have done those things: travelled in the footsteps of literary giants, engaged with writing, etc. and avoided a conventional life. So please don't think, at the tender age of 19, that these things are out of reach. Where there's a will, there's a way, and you're obviously strong-willed. THAT is the key.
ReplyDeleteI also loved The Awakening, and I read it at an important time in my life.
And this ennui you describe is certainly not limited to your younger years...but you can keep it at a remove from yourself.
On a more mundane level, can I ask you to number your posts? This just helps me to keep track of them.
And I see you read Murakami, how cool is that! He's one of my favourites. The Wind-up Bird Chronicle is superb...
Can't wait to read more!